hey poeple its been ages since ive been online. My herbs arnt going very well. my parsley died when it fell off the balcony :( so now ive got chives and dill. Im still in the same place with the same guy but im gettin bored and i wanna move and i prolly wont be taking pete with me. Ive collected a few snake skins from off the balcony they're both about 4 foot long. I use them to decorate my home :) and theres a python in the creek. Ive seen him a few times including earlier today. Ive been getting some work done at the dentist (oh yay im overjoyed not).
I had a very disturbing visit from my father. He rang me up a few weeks ago, which was strange cos its not my birthday or xmas, and said that he was on his way up and would pop in and visit me the next day. Then the next day he popped in for an hour before going to my brothers' house and we all went out for dinner the next night. That was all i saw of him. but the next few days i was very frustrated and easily aggrovated and i worked it out that i was disturbed by dad coming to visit. It stirred up a lot of long-forgotten bottled up emotions. Now i understand why I hate him so much. I was deeply traumatised as a child and i blame dad. maybe thats not fair but i dont think what i suffered was fair either.
The accident happened on the 24th December 1988. I was 7 yrs old. I was playing in my backyard and climbing the jacaranda tree out the back, around which was a fence made of star pickets and chicken wire for Bluey the dog. I fell. I remember lying on the ground screaming my head off thinking "where does it hurt?" i didnt know. Everything was in excrutiating pain. I got up and somehow managed to walk to the tree although the world was spinning. I looked down the yard and saw my family standing at the back door. I think they were in shock. I looked down and saw my leg had been ripped open. Thats when i knew where the pain was coming from. I jumped over the fence i had fell on and ran down the yard still screaming. Mum raced inside and grabbed a clean tea towel and shoved it into my leg, then my parents rushed me off to hospital. I dont remember much about it because i was in shock but i remember snatches of it. I remember crying because i was scared of going for an opperation. I remember the needle and counting down from ten. Then i woke up in the morning and got the Santa Bear that i couldnt live without. (Ive still got it, over 18 yrs later). Later mum told me that the surgeon who sewed me up said "what happened? it looks like a war wound"I can understand the accident itself. i was in the tree. I fell. I landed on a star picket (fence post). it ripped my leg open.
The day i got out of hospital dad told me that he had fixed the problem. "come outside and have a look" he said, so i did. That was the most traumatic moment of my life! I went outside to find that fence .... that star picket .... was still there!!!!! what was worse was that it had this stupid looking cap on the top of it. I remember thinking "but if i fell on that now it could still break my leg". But the bit that i couldnt handle was seeing the ants eating ME off that star pciket. I pinched myself. I pulled my hair. I tried to convince myself that i was having a terrible nightmare. But i wasnt dreaming. It was real. I wanted to say "its just not fucking good enough" but i couldnt speak. I couldnt express the malestrom of emotions that hit me so i bottled them all up and now they're starting to resurface and i still dont know how to deal with it all.
What i cant understand is why did dad have to get the cheapest and nastiest fence he could get to put in our yard for Bluey (the dog who the fence was for).And why was it still there when i got out of hospital? what made him think that putting a cap over the top would fix the problem? why didnt he even wash the gore off it before he put the cap on it? I guess I'll never know the answers cos i just cant talk to dad , and even if i could, he could never understand me or my feelings and even if he could understand me he just wouldnt care. But that leaves me frustrated. Sometimes i wish he was dead cos i mite be able to talk to his grave stone. At least his grave stone wont tell me to go and drop dead. yes dad did say that to me. | 